Finance Gets Personal

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any - enjoy!

Courtesy of someecards.com:

Although I listen to the Dave Ramsey podcast through my headphones nearly every day at work, it’s not something I tend to talk about with my co-workers.

Want to know if your co-workers or friends are also closet Dave listeners? It’s easy! Just listen for the following clues:

• When you ask how they’re doing, they reply, “Better than I deserve!”
• They talk frequently about having beans and rice for dinner, or mention something about “beans and rice, rice and beans” while declining your invitation to go out for lunch.
• During tax season, they make joking references to the IRS: “Well, the KGB…I mean, the IRS…”
• When they mention their upcoming garage sale or their eBay listings, they say they’re going to sell so much stuff “the kids will think they’re next.”
• Possible listener: They refer to their car as a “beater.” Definite listener: They refer to their car as a “little paid-for beater.”
• They carry around envelopes with cash in them and cite statistics about how studies show people spend 30% more when they use plastic. Oh yeah, they also call credit and debit cards “plastic.”
• You once mistakenly thought there was an actual person named Murphy living in their spare bedroom. Alternatively, you thought they had an aunt “Sallie” or “Mae” staying with them, and that they finally had to “kick her to the curb.”
• When trying to make a derogatory remark about lawyers/elected officials/Joe from accounting, an insult of choice is, “You can tell ______ is lying when his lips are moving.”
• When something great happens, they don’t do a “happy dance.” They do a “Snoopy dance.”
• When you mess up on a project, they reassure you with, “Please. I’ve done stupid with zeros on the end of it!”
• They believe that when other people make fun of their ideas, they must be doing something right!

If you missed The Daily Show last night, check out this video with John Hodgman on “Staycations” (or as John calls it, “Holistays”).

Courtesy of someecards.com:

It’s Saturday night and your team isn’t in the Final Four (or didn’t even get invited to the tournament - sigh).

Let’s find a way to drown your sorrows…

Presenting: Financial “I Never” with Finance Girl

In order to play Financial “I Never,” you first need to find the hard liquor of your choice.

There, that will do nicely.

Next, read the following statements. For each “I never” that you have done, take a shot. I’ll play along too. Here we go…

I’ve never bounced a check:

Damn.

I’ve never carried a balance on my credit cards:

Damn again.

I’ve never taken a cash advance on my credit card:

Who’s drinking now, bitches?

I’ve never borrowed money from relatives:

Give me a break, I was 17.

I’ve never co-signed a loan:

Thank God!

I’ve never financed a new car:

Whoopsies!

I’ve never had an Old Navy credit card:

Take that!

I’ve never taken a payday loan:

What do you think I am, stupid? Don’t answer that.

I’ve never borrowed money against my 401k:

Please - if I wanted to borrow money, I’d use my credit card. duh.

I’ve never had a home equity loan or home equity line of credit:

How else are you supposed to buy a house with no down payment?

I’ve never bought a pair of $100 jeans:

Well, I did once, but I returned them. Does that count? Fine…

I’ve never taken a refund anticipation loan:

Please. I’m too cheap to go to H&R Block in the first place.

I’ve never paid for a groceries with a credit card:

A girl’s gotta eat!

I’ve never charged up a bunch of concert tickets on my credit card and not gotten paid back for all of them:

If you tell me you’re going to go, you better damn well go! If you don’t go, you still owe me for the ticket (and the convenience fees - Ticketmaster ain’t cheap!). It’s also not my job to find someone else to buy your ticket.

Sorry, drunken rant…

I’ve never gambled:

I am probably the cheapest gambler ever to visit Vegas though. And I’m too scared to play the tables.

I’ve never signed up for a credit card to get a free t-shirt:

Dude, it said “College” on it. Like Animal House, you know? And I was in college! Get it?

I’ve never signed up for a “pay no interest ’til 2030″ credit card in order to buy a big-screen TV:

Watching Kansas or North Carolina lose tonight will be so much better in high-def.

Sorry, I meant to say, “I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to find someone to hold my hair.

Photo Credits: no chase, bitches! and jr and amanda by theogeo, used under Creative Commons licensing

My husband read my post on Debt as a Symptom of Sexual Addiction and sent me a lovely e-card today…

Here are some good finance-related e-cards from the same site…

Speaking of used mattresses, here’s a great post from the Best of Craigslist:

Zzzzzzz…..King Size Used Sealy Posturpedic Celestial Mattress

For Sale: 1 King Size Used Sealy Posturepedic Celestial mattress.  Just the mattress.  No box springs, frame, or headboard.  $40.  There are two things to consider when buying a new mattress: support and comfort.  These are irrelevant here, this is a used mattress.  For a used mattress, there are four things to consider (the 4 S’s): source, smell, stains, and shape.

Source: My wife and I moved into our house in 2002.  The house was completely empty, except for the king bed.  The bed was gigantic, and envisioning all the kinky stuff we could do, I decided to keep it. (I never got to do any of that stuff. Apparently bed size was not the only barrier my wife had to doing all that kinky stuff.)  I have no idea how long it had been there already, but I will disclose a few tidbits about the previous owners of the house, who lived there since the house was built in 1965.  The man had Alzheimers and the woman was obese (I’ll describe how I know this in the section below entitled “shape”).  The woman died, and the man couldn’t tell me how old the mattress was (I asked the guy’s daughter, who handled the house-sale transaction, but she didn’t know and the man wasn’t lucid).  Oh… I should mention that the woman didn’t die in the bed.  She died when she fell down the steps, which is a little tidbit that my neighbors didn’t tell me until like two years after we had moved in (I bet we have a ghost).  So I have no idea how old the mattress is… I’m not an expert, but I would guess that it is 12-14 years old. But I really have no idea. 12-14 is an honest guess… could be more, could be less.  I have little experience estimating the age of mattresses.

Smell: This one smells great… that is, it doesn’t smell at all. It smells exactly like Iocane powder, a deadly and completely odorless poison.

Stains: None. Really. My wife and I have always used a thick mattress pad/cover on this, and the previous owners must have done the same. Now the fabric has some fading, but it definitely shows no signs of violent murders, incontinence, or lewd acts. No stains.

Shape: I think this is what you need to think about before buying this mattress. I think that one side of the mattress is a little mashed down (maybe by an inch or so - remember the obese woman from above?).  Not a lot… you can’t tell by looking at it. In fact, my wife claims I am imagining it. But I can detect a definite “ridge” in the middle of the bed, between where each person would lie. Again, it is not obvious, as my wife claims that she can’t even tell it is there, and when I bring it up she goes into what she considers a very funny monlogue about “The Princess and the Pea”.  She’s thinks she’s a riot. If slight-to-imperceptible mashing would drive you nuts, find another mattress.  If constant mocking drove me nuts, I’d find another wife.

So that’s the 4 S’s. I am a fairly picky person, and I’ve been sleeping on this thing for the last 3 years without problems, so it is pretty decent. If you are looking for a mattress for your summer sublet, this is it. If you always wanted a king size for extracurriculars (this is craigslist, so I am assuming most of you need room for threesomes and farm animals), this will do nicely. If you are cheap and not terribly picky about what you sleep on, this is great. If you are a college kid who thinks it would be cool to have a gigantic king bed, perfect. Even if you meet one of the above but are very averse to stains and smells, you are still in good shape with this one – no stains, no smells. But if you are trying to decide whether to buy the $4500 Beauty-Double-Comfort-Plushderful-Blissomatic or my $40 who-knows-how-old-it-is mattress, don’t waste your time. If you have chronic back problems, don’t waste your time. And if you are a pain in the ass to perform a simple $40 transaction with, don’t waste my time.

(If you don’t have a car, maybe I’ll deliver it if you are close by for $35 or so. I know that’s a lot, but I really don’t want to deliver it. And when I say deliver it, I mean I will drive it to your place and help YOU get it to your bedroom. King mattresses are big - about 7’ x 7’ - and they weigh too much for me to carry alone. And come to think of it, I’ll only deliver it if you Paypal me the money first, since I REALLY don’t want to drive it to your place just to have you say “Oh, I thought it was brand new” and not buy it.)

To summarize: no smells, no stains, slight-to-imperceptible mashing. Used for the last 3 years by a fairly picky sleeper and neat freak, and used for some number of years before that by an obese woman and a man in the throes of dementia.  No smells, no stains (that’s clearly my selling point).  Possible to arrange delivery.  I’m a nice guy and easy to deal with for this kind of stuff.

If you come in with a wad of one dollar bills, I assume you’re either a waitress or a stripper. As soon as you leave, I’m washing my hands.

I know you think you’re smarter than me. Yes, I know how to spell “mortgage,” but maybe I should spell it wrong on your cashier’s check just to piss you off.

I’m sure you’re a nice person, but I really hate you, Avon Lady. First, you bring in 50 different checks to deposit whenever you come in. Your deposit slip never matches the actual total. And then you have the nerve to expect me to buy makeup from you!

I’m getting a contact high from you despite the bullet-proof glass. Nothing wrong with smoking a joint in the car on the way to the bank. But could you maybe roll down the windows next time?

I’ll be cleaning your kid’s sticky fingerprints off the glass tonight after we close. And your toddler pretending to be a blow fish - not cute.

Young attractive guy who comes in every Friday: I’m making a note of your account number so I can dig a little deeper into your finances later. DOB? Check. No overdrafts? Check. Joint account holder? Just your mom from when you opened the account in 6th grade - Check.

It’s getting close to impossible to cash your entire paycheck using only the “old” twenty dollar bills. Yes, I know that you think the government has implanted tracking devices in all the new twenty dollar bills. But they are also phasing out the old ones!

I wish you would teach your children not to put paperclips and Chuck E Cheese coins in their piggy bank. Once I finally shake everything out of your ceramic pig’s tiny, tiny hole, something gets stuck in the coin machine and I’m back there for twenty minutes while your kid slobbers on my teller window.

Creepy old man: I know the only reason you come to the bank everyday is to stalk my coworker. She is currently hiding in the bathroom and sent me out to help you. She’s “out to lunch,” and no, I have no idea when she’ll be back.

To the old lady who threw her driver’s license at me: I’m pretty sure you’ll be in hell soon. Maybe I can help you get there a little more quickly. But again, I do apologize. I’m only trying to protect your money from any effing stranger that walks through the door.

I don’t think you’re anything special if you have a lot of money. You see, I’m a bank teller. I see people with money every day. And typically, the more money someone has, the more of a prick they are to me.

Looking at your account is as awkward for me as it is for you, my friendly acquaintance. So, Mrs. Templeton, I’m dating your son. How’s that IRA rollover working out for you?

I still think “Hello” is a perfectly acceptable greeting, no matter the time of day. But thank you for informing me that “Good Morning” is the only polite greeting prior to 11 a.m.

I’ve never rolled a bag of pennies without finding a pube or two. How on earth do they always end up in the coin machine’s penny collector? Are people rolling around naked in piles of pennies? Or are there just some extremely poorly paid and poorly groomed strippers coming to this bank?

What’s that ya have?

A St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt.

A St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt? Brilliant!
What do you do with it?

Well, I have found a way to get thousands of Americans to purchase a shirt that they can only wear one time!

So you charge them five bucks and make sure “2008″ appears in the middle of the shirt so they can’t wear it again next year?

Yes!

A 2008 St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt that you can only wear once? Brilliant!

1. It irritates you when cashiers give you the bills back before the coins. Hello! You’re supposed to put the coins in my hand first, then the bills. Otherwise the coins fall all over the place!
2. You keep your bills organized in your wallet from lowest to highest, all facing forward and upright. How else are you going to know how much money you have and prevent advertising the amount of cash you’re carrying from everyone else? Plus, Suze Orman told you to!
3. You check your bank account online every day. Even though you balance your checkbook, you still like to know exactly which day the electric company cashes their check.
4. You always know the exact balance of your retirement accounts, even though you’re thirty years from retirement. It affects your net worth, you know!
5. You’re unable to throw out old financial records. You see, someday you might need to know your average monthly water bill, and since that information is only kept online for three months, how else would you be able to figure it out? Quicken? Well, what if your computer crashes and you haven’t backed up your files for four months?
6. When you owe someone money, you pay with exact change. When your coworker goes to McDonald’s and picks up your #9, you give him $5.26. It’s only fair.
7. You split the cost of the stamp with your roommates when paying the cable bill. Let’s see, that will be $22.16 for you, $22.16 for me, and $22.17 for Erica. Sorry, Erica, but it’s your month to pay the extra penny. Oh, and everyone’s total includes 13 cents for the stamp - well, it’s actually 14 cents for Kim and I, of course.
8. When you take your change jar to the bank, you count all the change ahead of time. You just can’t wait to find out how much money you’re going to have! Plus, now you’ll know if the teller drops a quarter on the way to the change machine.
9. You play games with your money. “Never spend a $20 dollar bill.” “Round up your transactions to the nearest dollar and transfer the rest to savings.” “Hide $50 in your underwear drawer and see if it’s still there next paycheck.”
10. You can account for every dollar you’ve spent in the past 10 years. Well, you have to keep track of your cash purchases too, because that’s where most “leakage” occurs! Plus, what better way to illustrate to your spouse that they’re spending too much money on vending machine purchases than through a pie chart in Quicken?