Confessions of a Former Bank Teller
If you come in with a wad of one dollar bills, I assume you’re either a waitress or a stripper. As soon as you leave, I’m washing my hands.
I know you think you’re smarter than me. Yes, I know how to spell “mortgage,” but maybe I should spell it wrong on your cashier’s check just to piss you off.
I’m sure you’re a nice person, but I really hate you, Avon Lady. First, you bring in 50 different checks to deposit whenever you come in. Your deposit slip never matches the actual total. And then you have the nerve to expect me to buy makeup from you!
I’m getting a contact high from you despite the bullet-proof glass. Nothing wrong with smoking a joint in the car on the way to the bank. But could you maybe roll down the windows next time?
I’ll be cleaning your kid’s sticky fingerprints off the glass tonight after we close. And your toddler pretending to be a blow fish - not cute.
Young attractive guy who comes in every Friday: I’m making a note of your account number so I can dig a little deeper into your finances later. DOB? Check. No overdrafts? Check. Joint account holder? Just your mom from when you opened the account in 6th grade - Check.
It’s getting close to impossible to cash your entire paycheck using only the “old” twenty dollar bills. Yes, I know that you think the government has implanted tracking devices in all the new twenty dollar bills. But they are also phasing out the old ones!
I wish you would teach your children not to put paperclips and Chuck E Cheese coins in their piggy bank. Once I finally shake everything out of your ceramic pig’s tiny, tiny hole, something gets stuck in the coin machine and I’m back there for twenty minutes while your kid slobbers on my teller window.
Creepy old man: I know the only reason you come to the bank everyday is to stalk my coworker. She is currently hiding in the bathroom and sent me out to help you. She’s “out to lunch,” and no, I have no idea when she’ll be back.
To the old lady who threw her driver’s license at me: I’m pretty sure you’ll be in hell soon. Maybe I can help you get there a little more quickly. But again, I do apologize. I’m only trying to protect your money from any effing stranger that walks through the door.
I don’t think you’re anything special if you have a lot of money. You see, I’m a bank teller. I see people with money every day. And typically, the more money someone has, the more of a prick they are to me.
Looking at your account is as awkward for me as it is for you, my friendly acquaintance. So, Mrs. Templeton, I’m dating your son. How’s that IRA rollover working out for you?
I still think “Hello” is a perfectly acceptable greeting, no matter the time of day. But thank you for informing me that “Good Morning” is the only polite greeting prior to 11 a.m.
I’ve never rolled a bag of pennies without finding a pube or two. How on earth do they always end up in the coin machine’s penny collector? Are people rolling around naked in piles of pennies? Or are there just some extremely poorly paid and poorly groomed strippers coming to this bank?
10 responses so far
Thanx for your blog today it made me smile - I needed that!!
Am going into the bank this avo and will remember your comments.
you crack me up!
thanks!
You nailed it! I did a brief and painful stint as a bank teller and it was hell. Add to that list hating people who scream at you because you don’t know who they are and how long they’ve been banking there and they shouldn’t have to show ID no matter how absurb their requests are. I’ll never get why someone would be dumb enough to be mean to the people that have your money and accounts at their fingertips.
ha.. gave me a smile on a monday morning. thanks!
Oh, yes, Nivek. There was a lady that worked at our bank that all the customers knew. Whenever I’d ask for their ID, they’d exclaim, “Well, Patsy knows me!,” and Patsy would verify that she did indeed know them. Patsy was interrupted so often that the manager had to make a rule against this.
And my personal favorite: “Well, YOU’RE the one who’s new here!”
Oh My Gawd! I wish I had thought of writing this - you have captured the living hell that is being a bank teller perfectly.
The only thing you forgot: the extremely overweight armored car driver that asks about your boyfriend every time he comes in, just in case you’re no longer seeing anyone.
Thanks for the laugh.
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I’m torn between being naturally social and disliking people more each day! What a hilarious mind-rant.
You really nailed it! I feel like this every single day at work. People just don’t understand how annoying they are to tellers!
It’s all so true. I’d like to add the bit about the jackass manager who constantly hounds you about getting more referrals.
My favorite is when they asked us to complete a worksheet entitled “My Sphere of Influence”, which had different sections for your family and friends, etc.
Then they made us call everyone on the sheet and offer them a checking account.